When it comes to love, desperation is a weak emotion and it produces weak results. You have to know your worth and you have to be willing to wait as long as it takes to meet someone who will appreciate you. If you get desperate you will settle for anyone willing to show you a little attention. You will compromise your morals and values. You will compromise your self-respect and put up with stuff you always said you wouldn't. You'll give a boyfriend the benefits of a husband. Heck, you'll give a man who won't even give you a real commitment the benefits of a husband. You'll ignore everything you said you stood for and you'll settle.
I'm speaking to the women on this one because in all of my life I've only seen one or two men do this.
The question I've receive the most are from women who are doing everything in their power to please and keep a man but that man won't give them a title or a real commitment. He wants to live together. He wants to split the bills. He wants to have all kinds of sex. He wants meals cooked, laundry done, and the house clean. BUT, he doesn't want to give you a title. He doesn't want to say you're his girlfriend. He doesn't want to get engaged. He doesn't want to get married. He might not even want to make the relationship public on Facebook and IG.
I'm gonna put this simple. YOU'RE GETTING PLAYED!!!!
You're getting played like a deck of cards. You're getting played like parker brothers board games. You're getting played like the lotto. You've ignored every ounce of intuition God gave you. You know that man doesn't really love you or want you but you want love so bad that you're willing to do anything. You fell for the "let's take our time and not rush things" for so long that now you're afraid to walk away because of all the time you've invested. If it's been longer than a year and you've been sexing, fussing, and fighting you should have a real commitment by now. For starters you shouldn't be having sex. You shouldn't be living together. That's the mistake I made too and it almost ruined us for good. It's very hard to start over once you've built a mansion on the sand. You need a firm foundation. Living together and having sex before marriage isn't a firm foundation. You've put the cart before the horse.
Separate the benefits package. This is how a relationship would go in an ideal world.
1. The man approaches you and starts the courting process
2. You date without having sex
3. He asks you to be his woman exclusively and you all start a real relationship
4. The relationship becomes public
5. He is getting his life together and you're getting yours together. In example, he has his own place, job, and a car. You have your own place, job, and a car.
6. He proposes. You accept. You set a wedding date no further than a year out.
7. If you can't afford a wedding you go to the court house. That's what we did.
8. You get married. Break your leases or sublease. Move in together.
9. You build for a year or more and enjoy life as a married couple.
10. You start a family if you don't already have kids but want some.
That's how it would be done in a perfect world. That's how it was done in the Bible days. Today, we are doing our own thing. We don't have structure. We don't have rules. We don't follow God's blueprint. That's why our relationships are a mess. That's why we struggle so bad. That's why we fail so often. We are trying to create love but not following the instructions of the creator of love.
Guess what? You can do it the right way and you can meet someone who will do it the right way with you.
Will it be hard? Absolutely. Unless you're walking and talking with God and living by His word. If that's the case he will meet your needs when you NEED them. You have to be truly living right to activate that favor and those blessings. If you're faking it trying to make it, you won't make it. A man can tell if you're really about that righteous life or if you're a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Here's what I would advise if your'e single and ready:
1. Focus on yourself. Work as hard as you can and accumulate the things you should have and wait until you attract a man who is bringing the same to the table. He should be on your level. You shouldn't have to carry him, sponsor him, or raise him.
2. Keep your legs closed and open your eyes. Date but don't "give it up." Let him court you while you pay attention to the signs. There are plenty of men willing to do it the right way for a woman who is right for him and ready for love. Keywords: right for him!
3. BE PATIENT!! Occupy your time until it's your time. It may be 10 years, 20 years, or 30 years. The longer it takes, the greater you're supposed to be. The longer it takes means that there is more work you have to do. You're called to something higher than you're currently reaching and you have to reach higher. Everyone's life is different. You can't look at the next woman and expect to be married at the same time as her. You have a different call on your life and a different timeline. Occupy until it's your time.
Here's what I would advise if you're in a relationship that's being built on sand:
1. Have a serious talk and state what you need to happen for the relationship to continue.
2. Implement the changes you want to be made. Do relationship coaching. Watch and work for the next three months to see if any changes are made. This only applies if you're in a relationship where there is no present danger.
3. Give a monthly reminder of the relationship goals at least once a month over those next three months. Keep working towards the goals and leading by example. If your partner is unwilling to grow, get coaching, or change; leave him and don't look back. He is a grown boy and he doesn't really love you or want you. He is confused about what being a man really is and he's caught up in ego. He wants to rebel because he thinks it's weakness to be taught or led. Let him go so he can grow. You need to heal, go, and grow.
Don't settle for less than you're worth. Don't play house if you don't have a ring with a real commitment. You don't get what you're worth, you get what you require. No one can treat you less than you allow them to. Whatever you have is because you've allowed it and accepted it. If you don't want it, change it. If you can't change it, leave it. Life is too short to waste your time with someone who is wasting their time.
God bless,
Tony Gaskins Jr.
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